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One liner Wednesday…

1linerwedsbadgewes.jpgWhilst I wait for a flash of inspiration to provide me with a new format for my weekly one liners, today I’m going to go with a direct quote, followed by a slightly altered advertising slogan to go with it (apologies if the second part makes no sense to non-British readers);

“Wait a minute, so if I take hairspray and I spray it in my apartment, which is all sealed, you’re telling me that affects the ozone layer?” “Yes.” I say, “No way, folks. No way!”

– Donald “the science guy” Trump, West Virginia, 05/05/16.

 

“The future is dim, the future is orange.”

 

#1linerWeds

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Just Jot It January: Day twenty one…

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I’m just jotting a quick update for today’s JJIJ post, because I’ve just received yet another award nomination and I’d like to be able to do it justice in its own post later on.

So…

Since I told you my exciting news the other day, about being given a second opportunity to have my work published, I have sent in a story that I wanted to include in Stories In Green Ink, but which was too long to fit the submission criteria.
Well, I heard back from the publisher yesterday that it has been accepted. Yay!

Not only that, but I also managed to sort out the problem that some of my American readers were apparently having with finding the book on the US Amazon site.
I got this response to my e-mail;

“Hello,

I checked our US website and can confirm your Kindle book is indeed live and buyable at a list price of $6.99.

Please be assured that the book can be downloaded to all Kindle devices and applications.

If you still think they didn’t receive the correct version, you can ask them to contact our customer service at this toll-free number, 1-866-216-1072 and they will be able to push the content to you.”

So now you know.

But if you’d like to go directly to the right page, here are those links in full:

U.S. readers go HERE for both formats.

U.K. readers go HERE for Kindle or HERE for paperback.

And, just in case you think I’m only interested in plugging myself, (like the blogslut I most assuredly am) here are a couple of random artistic oddities I made.

A gif of a galaxy…

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…and Fuckface von Clownstick in the role he was born to play; an unprincipled presidential candidate in Stephen King’s The Dead Zone.

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You’re welcome.

#JusJoJan

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One liner Wednesday: First drafts…

“I will build a great, great Wal-Mart on our southern border and I’ll make the Mexicans shop in it.”

– Fuckface von Clownstick*, 2015.

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#1linerWeds

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* ©Jon Stewart.

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2015 in Humour, One liner Wednesday, Social comment

 

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Stream of Consciousness Saturday: The host with the most…

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Ok then, let’s get cracking on this week’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday post.

Today’s prompt from Linda G Hill is “mind”, to do with as I wish, so here goes…

The Host With The Most.

The Mind floated, unbound and adrift, as it had done for countless millennia.

It had been many thousands of years since it had last been within even the most fleeting contact with reality or sanity, the vastness, and above all the emptiness of the space between the stars having become too much for its already brittle psyche long ago.
The madness had descended like a red veil soon after this cruel exile was imposed on it, when the world on which its last host lived discovered its treachery and ejected it into the endless void.

It sped past a huge, blazing sun, no longer even registering its spectacular majesty, just another cosmic powerhouse, it coasted on the solar winds before slowing to inspect the pitiful selection of rocky planets in the star’s meagre system…

But wait, what was that?

It sensed the faint signals of life, the cerebral workings of millions, perhaps billions of sentient beings, the very thing it had been seeking all this time.

It altered its course and made for the small blue-green planet, streaking down through the atmosphere, searching. Searching for a new host.

It circled the small globe, hovering for a few seconds over each large concentration of life force, scanning the population to find the most suitable vessel to inhabit.

Then it found the perfect candidate.
Venal, greedy, amoral and vicious, the feel of this one’s inner thoughts were almost repellant, even to the Mind.

Almost.

It wasted no time, the host gave no resistance when the Mind forced its way into his head, taking over control of his consciousness, memory, perception and conscience, or what there was left of it, after a lifetime of ruthless ambition and corrupt business deals, forcing him to become even more egomaniacal and hungry for power.

The Mind then proceeded to steer its willing victim toward its ultimate goal; acquisition of the supreme leadership of this giant superpower and from there, that of the whole planet.

It marveled at its ability to enslave the stupid and gullible to its will, the vain, ignorant yet somehow charismatic vessel gathering tens of thousands of followers to his leadership campaign in a staggeringly short space of time, all despite the fact that the Mind constantly heard its host referred to as “a buffoon”, “a political joke” and, the Mind’s particular favourite, “Fuckface von Clownstick”.

And yet, it seemed that whatever the insane Mind commanded the host to say or do, still more people clambered aboard his out of control runaway bandwagon, so many so that his opponents became genuinely concerned that he could actually win the election.
Not even when it forced the rampaging megalomaniac to declare it was going to construct a gigantic wall across the entire continent, built using unpaid workers from the country whose inhabitants the wall was intended to keep out, not even then did his supporters balk at his bigoted and rancid policies.

On and on the campaign raged, gaining momentum every day, trampling the opposition in its path and finally sweeping the now utterly unhinged host and his malevolent passenger into power with an enormous landslide victory…..

***[___SYSTEM RESET_____SYSTEM RESET____SYSTEM RESET___]***

Deep in space, tumbling silently through the airless and frozen vacuum, deep within the exile capsule computer’s neural simulator, there was a low hum as it loaded another in an infinite number of specially tailored and frustratingly incomplete power-fantasy scenarios from its memory banks.

And, for the millionth time, the insane Mind silently screamed its madness into the void.

#SoCS

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